Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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