I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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