I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
