Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
