My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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