i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
