i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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