she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
