We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
