I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
