no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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