i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize