I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize