My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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