I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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