Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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