You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
