question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
