Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
