It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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