ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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