I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
