On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
