How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
