I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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