just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You are a genius and a whore.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
