Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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