all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
When are your genitals available?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
