I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
