Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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