there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
