this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
