to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
