So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Congratulations! We have a period
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
