Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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