Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
