Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
