i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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