i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
