Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
