Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
