My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
