I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
