My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
