This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
