why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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