Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
