then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
