is your mom at the bar?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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