You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize