I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
