chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
