I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
