My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize