then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
