ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize