im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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