Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
