I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
