I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I would ride that face into the sunset
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
