Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize