When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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