I want to walk on stilts...naked
he thought i was a dude.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
